You Are the Average of the Five

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

That quote is most commonly attributed to Jim Rohn. Whether he was the very first to say it or not, the principle has echoed through decades of psychology, leadership, and lived experience.

And this past week, I felt it firsthand.

The Company You Keep

I’m fortunate. I have great friends — people I genuinely admire. They achieve remarkably well, but in very different arenas. Business. Family. Health. Service. Creativity.

What stands out isn’t just their results — it’s their standards.

They create momentum. They don’t drift. They decide. They act. They adjust.

When you consistently spend time around people like that, something happens. Your baseline shifts.

Psychology explains this through Social Learning Theory, developed by Albert Bandura. Bandura showed that we don’t just learn through instruction — we learn by observing others. We unconsciously model attitudes, behaviours, emotional responses and standards.

If your close circle normalises growth, accountability and forward motion, you internalise that.

If your close circle normalises blame, stagnation or victimhood, you internalise that too.

Energy transfers. Standards transfer. Identity transfers.

And here’s the real gift of strong friendships:

They call you out on your bullshit.

That happened to me this week.

The Habit That Creeps In

Even before it was pointed out, I knew something was off.

There’s one particular area of my life where I feel unfulfilled. It takes significant time. It involves ongoing interaction. There is financial reward — yes — but also heavy dependence on others whose interests aren’t always aligned.

When interests aren’t aligned, friction builds.

And friction, over time, becomes negativity.

My friend didn’t attack me. They asked questions.

And that matters.

When someone asks you intentional questions, it activates the prefrontal cortex — the rational, problem-solving part of the brain. Instead of reacting emotionally, you’re nudged into reflection and choice.

This aligns with principles from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) — largely developed by Aaron Beck — which shows that questioning automatic thoughts disrupts negative patterns. When we challenge our thinking, we regain agency. We take control.

A good question can break a bad loop.

Instead of: “This situation is frustrating.”

The brain is forced to ask: “Why am I here?” “What am I tolerating?” “What choice do I actually have?”

Questions restore power. Power and choice reduce external stressors, and gives you control.

You Are the Sum of Your Habits

We like to think we’re driven by vision.

In reality, we’re driven by repetition.

A person is the accumulation of what they repeatedly do.

In my life, I’ve systemised habits that work in my favour:

• I cook nearly all meals for my boys and I, we remain healthily nourished.

• I get up early and train daily so my body functions well.

• I set physical goals to stay capable.

• I actively pursue learning to develop my brain.

• I put myself in difficult environments so my mind stays adaptable.

• I approach life with exploration and adventure to preserve playfulness and feel joy.

Those systems reduce decision fatigue. They protect my standards. They create predictable, positive outcomes.

But here’s the blind spot:

We systemise fitness. We systemise nutrition. We systemise productivity.

Yet we often fail to systemise our environments.

And environment is not neutral.

Why People Stay in Limiting Circles

There’s a reason people in certain towns, industries or social groups often share the same attitudes — even when those attitudes limit them.

It’s called Normative Social Influence.

Humans are wired for belonging. Our nervous system interprets social rejection as threat. So we adapt to the norms of the group — even if those norms cap our potential.

Add to that the concept of Learned Helplessness, identified by Martin Seligman. When people experience repeated situations where outcomes feel outside their control, they stop trying — even when change becomes possible.

Over time, limitation feels normal. Frustration feels familiar. Misalignment feels tolerable.

The brain prefers familiar discomfort over unfamiliar uncertainty.

And so people stay.

Not because they love the environment. But because it feels predictable.

It was fair for me to question my own actions. Was I exhibiting Learned Helplessness? And what do I need to do to change this?

The Mirror Effect

Another powerful principle is the Pygmalion Effect — the psychological phenomenon where higher expectations lead to improved performance.

If the people around you expect growth, leadership and strength from you — you tend to rise.

If the people around you expect mediocrity or reinforce your complaints — you tend to settle.

Your circle becomes a mirror. And over time, you believe the reflection.

Ownership Over Environment

The solution isn't blame. It isn't resentment. It isn’t ego.

It’s ownership.

If something consistently drains you, you have to ask:

• Is this aligned with the man I’m becoming?

• Is this strengthening me or shrinking me?

• Does this environment reflect my standards?

Growth doesn’t happen by accident.

It happens by design.

Systemise the habits. Curate the environment. Choose the rooms. Choose the conversations. Choose the standards.

And choose friends who will interrupt your negative patterns with better questions.

A Simple Action Plan

There were no fancy frameworks. No rules. No theory.

My friend steered me into a simple solution. Not necessarily easy, as it meant positively breaking adopted behaviour. However it wasn't complex.

I wrote three positive reasons why the activity was worthwhile.

What positive return am I getting from this activity?

How does this effort support my bigger goal?

What positive impact do I have on others?

Now I've committed the necessary energy and value in a positive way. This continues to build positive momentum in my life, rather than being an energy drain that was holding me back.

A Final Reflection

You don’t rise to your aspirations.

You fall to your systems.

And your systems include the five people closest to you.

Look closely at your circle.

Are they stretching you? Are they energising you? Are they reinforcing your best habits?

Or are they quietly validating your lowest ones?

What are you giving to your five?

You can change your habits. You can change your environment. You can change your circle.

And when you do, you change your trajectory.

See More.

Do More.

Be More.

You are the Average of Five - Brendan J Neil Blog