It’s What We Don’t Say: Why Avoiding Conversations Damages Our Relationships

Avoiding conversations in mid-life weakens work, love and family bonds. Learn how silence harms and honesty strengthens relationships.

Midlife often comes with a reckoning. We reflect on the habits we’ve carried for decades—some of which have served us, and some of which, on closer inspection, haven’t. One habit many of us recognise is the tendency to avoid difficult conversations. Whether it’s “holding your tongue” at work, keeping quiet in a personal relationship, or skirting around conversations with your children, the silence we choose often speaks louder than words.

It’s what we don’t say that hurts ourselves and others. Avoidance may feel safe in the moment, but over time it erodes trust, connection, and growth in every important relationship in our lives.

Back on Episode #2 of our Between the Sheets Podcast, my co-host Dr Samantha, had me backpedalling. We dissected a habit I've had of avoiding really important conversations. Reflecting on our recorded conversation I decided to write a few words to encourage you to speak your voice, encourage others to shine and improve the relationships you have at work, with those you love and your children.

Why We Avoid Speaking Honestly

Psychologists have long explored why people hold back from saying what’s on their minds. Research into avoidant communication shows that people often fear the consequences of honesty—rejection, conflict, or damaging another’s self-esteem. Brené Brown’s (her Ted Talk has 23M views) work on vulnerability points out that many of us are conditioned to equate openness with weakness, so we protect ourselves by staying silent.

From childhood, many of us were taught that “keeping the peace” is more important than speaking up. This learned behaviour, reinforced in workplaces and families, becomes a pattern: don’t rock the boat, don’t cause trouble, don’t say what might hurt someone else. But as midlife reflection often reveals, avoidance rarely protects anyone in the long term—it prevents us from growing, relating deeply, and creating authentic bonds.

At Work: Silence That Stifles Performance

Imagine sitting in a meeting where a colleague proposes a strategy that you know has no supporting data. You hold your tongue. Perhaps you worry about being perceived as negative, undermining authority, or damaging your reputation. But silence doesn’t make the bad idea go away. Instead, it may allow flawed strategies to gain traction, damaging not just team outcomes but also your credibility when the truth inevitably emerges.

Research in organisational psychology describes this as the “spiral of silence” (Elisabeth Noelle-Neumann, 1974)—people withhold dissenting opinions for fear of isolation, which then reinforces the illusion of agreement. The result? Teams make poorer decisions, innovation stalls, and frustration festers.

In Personal Relationships: Silence That Breeds Resentment

With life partners, unspoken truths are even more corrosive. When you hold back your feelings—whether frustration, disappointment, or even affection—you create a false reality for your partner. On the surface things may look calm, but underneath, resentment builds.

Over time, this erodes intimacy. Honest conversations are not just about airing grievances; they allow couples to evolve together. Without them, relationships can stagnate or fracture. As psychologists Doctors Jane and John Gottman note in their research on marriage, stonewalling—withdrawing from conversation to avoid conflict—is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown.

With Children: Silence That Limits Growth

Avoidance with children has its own costs. Whether your child is six, sixteen, or thirty-six, avoiding honest conversations stunts connection and development. By not engaging in deeper discussions—about emotions, challenges, or even mistakes—you limit the trust and openness they feel with you.

Children learn not just from what we say, but from the conversations we are willing to have. Avoidance teaches them to suppress rather than express. As clinical psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel explains, “name it to tame it”—children who are given space to talk about difficult feelings build stronger emotional regulation skills. When we avoid these conversations, we deny them that chance.

The Underlying Psychology

At the heart of avoidance lies fear: fear of rejection, fear of judgment, fear of loss. Social norms reinforce this—many of us were taught that “good people” don’t argue, that harmony matters more than honesty. By midlife, these patterns are deeply ingrained.

Yet avoiding conversations keeps relationships shallow. By not saying what’s true for us, we prevent others from truly knowing us. Worse, we deprive them of the opportunity to respond with their own honesty and growth.

Common Examples of Avoidance

• At work: Not challenging a non-ethical pursuit of results, regardless of cost.

• With a partner: Saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t, or avoiding a conversation about unmet needs.

• With children: Skipping conversations about failure, grief, or difficult choices, thinking we’re protecting them.

Even public figures have shown the damage of avoidance—leaders who refused to confront hard truths until crises escalated, or celebrities who admitted late in life that silence in their relationships caused decades of regret.

Three Tips for Better Conversations

1. At Work – Practice respectful candour. Frame your perspective around data and shared goals. Instead of “this won’t work,” try “I have concerns about the direction here—can we explore the key objectives and actions together?” This keeps the focus on collaboration, not conflict.

2. With a Partner – Lead with vulnerability. On our podcast, Between the Sheets, Dr Samantha gave me a great tip. Be weary of blaming or telling the other person what they're feeling - eg. avoid saying "I can see you're angry with me..." Instead try... "Hey I feel a bit of an energy shift between us since (incident or discussion). Is there anything you'd like to share?". Listen first then share how you feel rather than blaming.

3. With Children – Create space for openness. Ask open-ended questions and listen without rushing to give advice. “What was the hardest part of today?” or “How did that make you feel?” Even silence can be an invitation for them to fill in the gaps.

Moving Forward: Choosing Honesty Over Silence

Avoiding conversations may keep the peace in the short term, but it comes at a steep cost: weaker relationships, poorer performance, and missed opportunities for connection. Midlife offers the chance to break these patterns—not by becoming confrontational, but by embracing honesty with compassion.

The truth is this: silence is not neutral. It shapes our relationships as much as words do. When we choose not to speak, we don’t protect others—we prevent relationships from deepening.

So next time you find yourself holding back, ask: what do I risk by speaking, and what do I risk by staying silent? More often than not, the greater danger lies in what remains unsaid.