When Love Stunts Growth: Three Parenting Styles to Avoid

When Love Stunts Growth: Recognising and Rebalancing Helicopter, Lawnmower

and Concierge Parenting.

As parents, our love often overflows into the way we raise our children. We want to keep them safe, give them opportunities, and make their lives better than our own. Sometimes, though, this well-meaning devotion can unintentionally hold them back from developing into capable, confident, and resilient adults.

Three parenting styles—Helicopter, Lawnmower, and Concierge—often appear in different stages of childhood and adolescence. While rooted in love, they can limit a child’s growth if left unchecked. Recognising these patterns in ourselves is the first step toward shifting to a healthier, more empowering approach.

1. The Helicopter Parent

Definition:

A helicopter parent hovers over their child, closely monitoring their every move and stepping in at the first sign of difficulty. This often starts in early childhood, where legitimate safety concerns exist, but can linger well beyond when it’s necessary.

Why Parents Do It:

Helicopter parenting often stems from anxiety—fear of harm, fear of failure, or fear of social rejection. It may also be fuelled by a parent’s own unfulfilled ambitions, with the hope of achieving them vicariously through their child. In some cases, it’s driven by separation anxiety, making it hard to step back and let the child grow independently.

Real-World Example:

A parent attends every playdate, constantly interrupting to correct social interactions, or insists on speaking for their child in front of other adults “to help them” communicate better.

What the Child Misses Out On:

• Decision-making confidence

• Risk assessment skills

• Resilience in facing challenges without constant reassurance

Better Practice:

Shift to a coaching role. If your child is struggling to build a block tower that keeps falling, resist the urge to fix it. Instead, ask: “What do you think would make it stronger?” By guiding rather than doing, you give them space to problem-solve and experience the satisfaction of figuring it out themselves.

2. The Lawnmower Parent

Definition:

A lawnmower parent clears every obstacle before their child even encounters it, aiming to make life as smooth and trouble-free as possible. This often becomes more visible in the tween and early teen years, as children begin to develop independence.

Why Parents Do It:

Some parents remember the discomfort of their own adolescence and want to shield their children from similar struggles. Others believe that removing difficulties gives their children time to focus on “more important” things. Some parents just can’t witness the discomfort of their child navigating friendships and typical challenges without taking on the pain of failure or rejection themselves. This can also be tied to a parent’s own social anxieties—wanting their child’s successes to reflect well on their parenting.

Real-World Example:

A parent uses a personal contact to arrange a job for their teenager, without involving the teen in the application or interview process. The job is “gift-wrapped” to them—no resume writing, no phone call, no handshake required.

What the Child Misses Out On:

• Learning to handle rejection

• Developing communication and self-presentation skills

• Establishing interpersonal relationships beyond peers

• Building persistence and grit

Better Practice:

If you have a connection for a potential job, involve your child in every step. Say, “I know someone who’s hiring—why don’t you draft a resume and I’ll give you feedback before you apply?” Stand by to support, but let them make the call, attend the interview, and own the experience.

3. The Concierge Parent

Definition:

The concierge parent anticipates and fulfils a young adult’s needs without requiring their input or effort—arranging life as if they’re a VIP guest. This often appears in late adolescence or adulthood, when a parent struggles to step back after years of hands-on involvement.

Why Parents Do It:

After 18 years of being needed daily, parents can experience a sense of loss. Generosity may come from wanting to provide what they didn’t have growing up, but it can also be a way to maintain connection and dependence. It can also reflect a need for a parent to gain “friendship” from their child as adulthood approaches.

Real-World Example:

A parent gifts their 18-year-old a fully paid-for car with no expectation or responsibility of contributing to its running costs, servicing, or insurance.

What the Child Misses Out On:

• Understanding the value of money

• Developing personal responsibility

• Experiencing the satisfaction of earning and managing their own resources

Better Practice:

Generosity can be powerful when paired with responsibility. If you can help your child buy a car, match their savings instead of covering the full amount, or let them contribute a targeted amount. This not only teaches the importance of goal-setting but also instils pride in contributing to something significant. Budget with them the registration,insurance, servicing and running costs, let them find a solution to funding this or contributing an agreed amount.

Underlying Psychology—Why We Over-Parent

These styles are rarely about control alone—they’re rooted in love, fear, and our own childhood experiences. Many parents overcompensate for what they lacked growing up, whether that’s protection, opportunity, or material support. Recognising these motivations can help us separate our needs from our children’s needs and respond in a way that builds their autonomy.

The Long-Term Cost of Over-Parenting

Research shows that children raised with excessive parental intervention often experience higher rates of anxiety and depression. They may struggle with decision-making, avoid challenges, and withdraw when they can’t access the constant guidance they’re used to. In the workforce, they might lack resilience, problem-solving skills, and the confidence to operate independently.

Practical Tips for Rebalancing Your Parenting Style

1. Shift to a Coaching Mindset – Instead of fixing problems, ask questions: “What do you think is the first step?” or “How would you handle this if I wasn’t here?”

2. Allow Natural Consequences – If your teen forgets their homework or sports training gear, resist rushing it to school. Let them face the result—it’s a safe way to learn responsibility.

3. Gradually Loosen Control – Start with small freedoms: let them choose their own outfits or haircuts, manage their allowance, or plan a day out.

4. Share Your Own Mistakes – Let them see that setbacks are part of life, and that you learned and grew from them.

5. Notice Your Triggers – If you feel the urge to step in, pause and ask yourself: “Is this about my child’s growth, or my own discomfort?”

6. Connect Without Controlling – Spend time together doing activities that aren’t about achievement—hikes, cooking, Fortnight or hobbies.

Final Thought

Parenting is an ever-evolving balance between protection and freedom. Our goal isn’t to eliminate love or generosity, but to pair them with opportunities for independence, problem-solving, and resilience. By recognising when we’re hovering, mowing, or concierge-ing, we can adjust our approach—so that our children step into adulthood with the skills, confidence, and self-belief they need to thrive.